Hey look! Something shiny!!!

I disappeared for months…maybe it was all the chaos going on…maybe it was a way to pull myself inward even more…to withdraw from everything…I don’t know…

I haven’t B&P in almost a month! It is a tremendous accomplishment for me…things are changing in my life…I can’t say they are all good…my marriage is disentegrating before my very eyes…but I am moving forward regardless…nothing is static…everything is transitory and can only last so long…I want to grab up all the happiness this life has to offer, even if it is all by myself.

i am not ready to talk about it yet. it is hard to tell someone that. all he wants is to work through it immediately. all i want to do is put one foot in front of the other today. i can’t think about how we will work through it. i am just trying to function.

we build things, relationships, careers, families and then destroy them in the blink of an eye.

i can not speak for others, but think it is a sad waste to spend so much time constructing beautiful things only to toss them in the trash when they have blossomed into exquisite and delicate structures.

So I sent a message to the “other woman” and her boyfriend, because I wanted to make sure that everyone that should know about the repulsive hook up, did know. What I discovered is that I am the only one that didn’t know the complete truth.

I feel like an ass.

She apologized for her selfish and misguided decision making and truthfully the person I am most angry with is myself. I am angry for being a career woman and neglecting important relationships…life is all about keeping a balance between career and home and I am crummy at it…

This overwhelming situation has given me so many points to ponder.

discocall:

an accident is when you fall off your bike not when you fuck somebody else

(Source: soulofspain)

i used to think that my screwed up life couldn’t get more screwed up. i have spent much time trying to become beautiful, successful and fulfilled and none of it has happened. i feel like i have wasted almost 13 years of my life (except for 3 wonderful, gorgeous children) and i have no one, no one to blame but myself. i am at one of lowest points in my existence.

i guess there is a silver lining though…there is nowhere to go but up from here (i think).

he finally admitted what I had already known since last march.

i guess there was a part of me that was still hoping i was wrong, but i wasn’t.

what kind of person am i that i can put up with such behavior?

i wish i could say that it doesn’t bother me, but it does, yet i got the truth and that’s what i wanted. i have already forgiven him for “flirting” when i first found out, but i don’t think i should have to forgive him for this. i am so broken right now. in a million pieces.

death spiral is imminent, i can just feel it.